And you are?....

So I've never claimed to be good at names. In fact, I'm awful. I know faces. Even if I tend to stare at them trying to think of the name while I'm sure the person is thinking I'm some kind of freak and wondering why Donny is looking at them this way.

In college while at Eskimo Joe's, many times if I somehow got a girl to approach me that already knew me (they wouldn't approach otherwise obviously) my buddy would be whispering to me asking if I knew her name. Thankfully he'd bail me out and tell me before she got within hearing distance and I could salvage my coolness by using her name in conversation. Unfortunately at my high school reunion recently, I had no such wingman to bail me out when these awkward moments presented themselves.

The first of which wasn't even a chick, but a dude I've known since I moved to Oklahoma in 4^th grade! One of my best friends ever. He walks up, feeling confident I say 'What's up Jay C.?' To which Brad F. replies, "It's Brad, you spent the night at my house somewhere over 1000 times since 4^th grade". Son of a …!!! How did I not recognize Brad!!??? I finally stir up the confidence to throw a name out and I totally blow it. Oh well, he's a dude, better him then some babe girl from high school.

So the next night of the reunion, I'm on my guard. I'm not falling for that again. I stepped out on the ledge already and sure enough fell. I'm going back to my shy, play stupid routine that has worked for 37 years.

I'm standing at the bar, shocker, I know. And here's a drunk former classmate calling me by my full name. Daring me to say her name. Somehow despite her condition she has sensed my phobia with names like a Jedi. "What's my name Donny H*******, huh?" I think I know too. But I'm not stepping out on that ledge again. I spent the night at her house something less than 1000 times since 4^th grade. When she looks away for a second another former classmate, Brina, plays wingman for me and whispers her name to me. "Candy". I knew it! I was right this time but didn't have the cajones to say it! So Candy asks again, "What's my name Donny H*******?" I say "Candy". Then Brina, obviously in her first role as a wingman breaks a cardinal rule and fesses up to Candy that she told me. But I adamantly say that I knew it, but was afraid to say it. Candy asks why. And because I'm the smooth talker I am, I tell her "Because if I was wrong, you'd ask why I thought she was a stripper with a name like Candy." Yep. Smooooooth. Did I mention I was standing at the bar? And it wasn't my first visit of the night?

Unfortunately it wasn't Candy's first trip either, though for a while she kept it lighthearted and just gave me a hard time for the next hour or so. And even more unfortunately it ended with Candy giving my wife a "should've had a V-8" slap to the forehead while asking "Why would you marry Donny H*******?"

I'm pretty sure in there somewhere you've figured out how I was able to stay single for so long, and you've felt like asking my wife the same question. Hopefully without the V-8 slap.